Dear Readers,
As you might have gathered from my last post, I'm going through a very introspective phase. In an effort to become a better person, I find that I'm becoming less and less self assured and confident and more and more anxious. This just doesn't make sense...right? Ah, but wait my dear kittens, I believe it makes perfect sense. Perhaps me being more self aware has taken away from the time I used to put into to helping others.
I learned on a very interesting PBS documentary last night that having personal relationships is sn essential component in one's health. In the same way that we must feed our body and protect it from the elements, we must nourish ourselves with friendship and love. There have been studies done where baby monkeys (I know this is awful, but the studies were done in the 50's before scientists had feelings) are given everything they need to support their physical well being (ie food, water, etc.) but were denied the company of others. You know what happened? They died.
Unlike those poor little monkeys, I have been very fortunate in the fact that I've always been surrounded by wonderful people and an excess amount of love. Strangely, the things I remember and hold on to most are the negative things said and done to me. Whether it be a grade school classmate that tormented me or a boss giving me negative feedback at work, I hold on to the things they say and replay them in my head the way Idaho radio stations play horrible 80's rock over and over again. During this the past week or so while I've been so selfishly introspective, these are the things that have been bringing me down. It annoys me how much energy I waste on these memories and on the anxiety they inevitably causes. By allowing this anxiety to grow stronger, I have to take more time for meditation to calm my self down. By the time I calm down, I'm exhausted, and I'm sure the energy I've created has helped to exhaust those around me as well.
So I quit. I don't need to sit around and think about what I've done wrong, what I can change, and what I can do better. Instead, I want to focus on loving and supporting the people I'm so lucky to have in my life. Please don't take this out if context. Professionally, I will of course do my best, whether it be folding clothes at work or baking cupcakes for a wedding at home. But personally, I need to focus on people who need my attention more than I do. I couldn't bear the thought of having sad little monkey in my life that I didn't help to nourish because I was to busy feeling bad about some stupid thing said to me in junior high.
Come to me little monkeys! I will adopt you and love you! But I will not give you cash...that you'll have to find elsewhere.
Sincerely,
h.
P.S. I wrote this on an iPad, please be kind about any typos that may have occured :)
1.11.2011
1.02.2011
10 Goals for 2011
Dear Readers,
It's a new year. It shouldn't be such a surprise to me, seeing as how it happens every year. It doesn't really feel like a new beginning this time around, which makes me wonder if I'm getting old or apathetic or both? Regardless, instead of resolutions, I've decided to make changes. Nothing huge or unattainable. Rather, a few minor things that I'm hoping will result in me being a better person. Without further ado, here are my 2011 goals:
1: Eat in a healthy fashion. I eat healthy food for the most part. My problem is, I don't eat on a consistent basis. I don't like breakfast, I rarely eat lunch, and by the time dinner comes around I eat more than my share. From what I understand, there's a better way to do this. So I'm going to force myself to eat food at regular intervals. What will this improve? I'm not sure. But it couldn't hurt to try.
2: Focus on what's working right with my body, not what's going wrong. Most of you that know me know this, but I have an auto-immune disorder called connective tissue disease. If Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis had a baby, it would resemble me. It causes me to be exhausted most (if not all) of the time, chronic pain, and the ability to live my life like I used to. However, I'm a couple years used to it now. Is it ideal? No. But it could be a lot worse, and I know that. Keeping that in mind, I'm tired of letting my disease dictate my life. I have a good doctor, I have ready access to medication and I have a very supportive husband, boss, and group of friends that don't allow me to feel sorry for myself. So now, in a further attempt to make my life as normal as possible, every time I have a gripe about what's going wrong, I will remind myself of what's going right (ie: "my hip hurts" will be matched with "my boobs look great today", or "every time I eat I want to throw up" will be countered with "my lungs work awesome!").
3: Do something compassionate every day. Explains itself.
4: Don't drink coffee after 11:00am. No one should drink as much coffee as I do. Thanks, Starbucks. Hopefully this will help promote goal number 1.
5: Do the best job you can do, whatever it is. I love my job, and I want to be the best at it. I would like this to fall into all areas in my life: laundry, dishes, whatever the chore, I want to do the best job I can.
6: Learn to be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to like me all of the time. I'm a pleaser. I will do just about anything to make sure that everyone around me is happy and likes me. It's ridiculous. If I'm meeting goals 3 and 5 and someone still doesn't like me, I'm sure there's not much more I can do to convince them that they should, and I'm going to just be okay with that. Well, probably not. But I'll do the best I can.
7: Every morning when you wake up list 10 things you're grateful for. Some people pray; I make lists.
8: Replace anxiety with peace using the mantras "I forgive myself" or "I'm alive and well". I find that I carry a lot of guilt, which is the trigger for my anxiety. Forgiving myself allows me to let go of a lot of that guilt. Reminding myself that I'm alive and well allows me to let go of the anxiety.
9: Be with my family as often as I can. I don't just mean being at home, but rather being present at home. It's fine if I go out once in a while, and it's okay if I want to be alone once in awhile. But while I'm with Shay and Lucas, I want to pay attention to them and be a family.
10: Let the people that mean the most to me in my life know they mean the most to me. Sorry friends, it looks like it will be a sentimental year. Look forward to getting lots of love from me!
There you have it. 10 goals that probably reveal more about me than you'd prefer to know. I look forward to the improvements I'll be making though, and am really happy they don't involve intense workouts or making more money.
Sincerely,
h.
It's a new year. It shouldn't be such a surprise to me, seeing as how it happens every year. It doesn't really feel like a new beginning this time around, which makes me wonder if I'm getting old or apathetic or both? Regardless, instead of resolutions, I've decided to make changes. Nothing huge or unattainable. Rather, a few minor things that I'm hoping will result in me being a better person. Without further ado, here are my 2011 goals:
1: Eat in a healthy fashion. I eat healthy food for the most part. My problem is, I don't eat on a consistent basis. I don't like breakfast, I rarely eat lunch, and by the time dinner comes around I eat more than my share. From what I understand, there's a better way to do this. So I'm going to force myself to eat food at regular intervals. What will this improve? I'm not sure. But it couldn't hurt to try.
2: Focus on what's working right with my body, not what's going wrong. Most of you that know me know this, but I have an auto-immune disorder called connective tissue disease. If Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis had a baby, it would resemble me. It causes me to be exhausted most (if not all) of the time, chronic pain, and the ability to live my life like I used to. However, I'm a couple years used to it now. Is it ideal? No. But it could be a lot worse, and I know that. Keeping that in mind, I'm tired of letting my disease dictate my life. I have a good doctor, I have ready access to medication and I have a very supportive husband, boss, and group of friends that don't allow me to feel sorry for myself. So now, in a further attempt to make my life as normal as possible, every time I have a gripe about what's going wrong, I will remind myself of what's going right (ie: "my hip hurts" will be matched with "my boobs look great today", or "every time I eat I want to throw up" will be countered with "my lungs work awesome!").
3: Do something compassionate every day. Explains itself.
4: Don't drink coffee after 11:00am. No one should drink as much coffee as I do. Thanks, Starbucks. Hopefully this will help promote goal number 1.
5: Do the best job you can do, whatever it is. I love my job, and I want to be the best at it. I would like this to fall into all areas in my life: laundry, dishes, whatever the chore, I want to do the best job I can.
6: Learn to be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to like me all of the time. I'm a pleaser. I will do just about anything to make sure that everyone around me is happy and likes me. It's ridiculous. If I'm meeting goals 3 and 5 and someone still doesn't like me, I'm sure there's not much more I can do to convince them that they should, and I'm going to just be okay with that. Well, probably not. But I'll do the best I can.
7: Every morning when you wake up list 10 things you're grateful for. Some people pray; I make lists.
8: Replace anxiety with peace using the mantras "I forgive myself" or "I'm alive and well". I find that I carry a lot of guilt, which is the trigger for my anxiety. Forgiving myself allows me to let go of a lot of that guilt. Reminding myself that I'm alive and well allows me to let go of the anxiety.
9: Be with my family as often as I can. I don't just mean being at home, but rather being present at home. It's fine if I go out once in a while, and it's okay if I want to be alone once in awhile. But while I'm with Shay and Lucas, I want to pay attention to them and be a family.
10: Let the people that mean the most to me in my life know they mean the most to me. Sorry friends, it looks like it will be a sentimental year. Look forward to getting lots of love from me!
There you have it. 10 goals that probably reveal more about me than you'd prefer to know. I look forward to the improvements I'll be making though, and am really happy they don't involve intense workouts or making more money.
Sincerely,
h.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)