In Progress: A Journey of One Million Apologies

Dear Readers,

Early last week, my car was filthy from the winter weather.  I had a few minutes before I had to be at an appointment, so I swung into the Metro Carwash.  The last few weeks have been rough, to say the least.  Day after day after day of contemplation, regret, confusion, long conversations, remorse, and more regret.  So sitting in that carwash, with the soap sliding down my windows and windshield, the thought came to me that I had control over this one thing: the cleanliness of my car.  The moment that thought finished, the carwash broke down.  Completely.  My car covered in suds.  I started laughing, really hard.  Hard enough that when the young carwash employee knocked on my window to give me a free coupon, I'm sure he thought I was a lunatic.  If he hadn't thought that yet, he must have for sure after saying to me, "You'll have to drive straight ahead.  It's going to be really bumpy, but you can't stop.  Just keep moving."  Because that sent me into a laughing frenzy.  "I give," I said to no one and everyone all at the same time.

So.  It ends up, that I am capable of making bad choices.  Not just bad.  Disastrous choices.  With huge ripple effects that don't seem to ever stop.  Did you know I could do that?  Me neither.  None-the-less, with my high and mighty moral self put to rest, I have reached  new levels of humility and sorrow.  I have damaged my little sturdy family, I have destroyed some friendships with people that I care for very much, and I have (as someone once promised me I would) evolved into the most open and honest version of myself.  Although that would seemingly be a good thing, and I think in the big picture it is, the truth can be an exfoliant to the soul.  There is nothing soft and smooth about it's surface.  However when it's done scouring your heart, you're left with something that's shiny, as if it's new.  I was never much of a liar to begin with, I value truth and integrity greatly.  I was an expert, however, at not seeing what I did not want to see, and it just so happens that there are worlds of ignored truth out there, just waiting for me to shine light on it.  It's not pretty.  It's very scary and intimidating.  In the end, it will be good to have waded through all of the muck, and put it all behind me.  I can't wait until it's all behind me.

Finally, I have learned one more lesson through this mess I've made.  I have one hell of a support group.  Doors have been opened and I've been invited in.  I've had love come at me from all directions, and in massive amounts.  I had, at the onset of this disaster, prepared myself to be alone.  Prepared myself for hatred and criticism.  Prepared myself for the repercussions  that I surely and without a doubt deserve(d).  It's been so humbling, so very heart warming, to find that I am not alone and am instead a part of a most gracious, loving, and forgiving community.

I feel like a new person.  I feel like a full fledged adult. There are huge changes to come, a whole new life in a way.  I have some big decisions to make, and some even bigger apologies to give.  I don't know if there are enough "I'm sorry's" in the world for me to give.  I have so many to give.  And I can't ask for forgiveness.  Not for me anyway.  I'm moving forward though, and I'm excited for the future, excited for my new life.  There is so much good out there, so much love, and I want nothing more than to contribute to it, to give back some of what I've received.

Sincerely,
h.

P.S.  I have gone on a sabbatical from Facebook.  If you feel so inclined, would you mind sharing a link to my blog on your page?  I sure would appreciate it.  xoxo