Feeling Inadequate in Legitimate Adequacy

Dear Readers,

The past 30 odd years have lead me to a strange place where  I find myself in the good company of several of my peers experiencing the same problem: we've almost arrived.  We've studied, we've worked really hard, we've survived performance reviews, we've been demoted, promoted, yelled at, praised, filled out applications, networked with all of the right people and even more of the wrong people and at long last we have been accepted into grad school.  Or are listed on the cover of a book that is certain to be famous.  Perhaps a record contract is in the near future.  Or maybe it's something as simple as realizing what it is that we want to be when we grow up, have enrolled in school again, and have accepted a new position at work that takes us one step closer to realizing that goal.  You'd think this would be exciting, enthralling even.  You'd think the general thought would be, "FINALLY!"  Surprisingly, you are more likely to hear one (if not all) of us say, "Oh shit.  I'm a sham.  A fraud.  I don't know what I deserve, but it isn't this."

I'm pretty sure this isn't a new experience.  As I get older, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that any road I walk down has had it's fair share of foot traffic already.  Knowing that, I look up, and I see the people that I have made giants in my mind.  My mentors, my teachers, my parents, my heroes.  I've asked them some very unassuming questions like, "Have you always been like this?" or "Didn't you ever cry at work?" and the ever popular, "There's no way you've made mistakes, right?"  And they laugh at me.  They open up their secret little boxes of skeletons and share their humiliating stories, their own doubts, their struggles, and most important, their experience.  I appreciate it so much, learning that they're human too.

There are so many different ways to measure success now.  It's not limited anymore to just a nice house and a nice car and paying for your kid to go to a nice college.  It's making the list as a possible answer to a BuzzFeed quiz.  It's headlining at a little known music festival.  It's reading the stats of your YouTube video and see that you're being followed by a complete stranger.  The achievements of your competitors are posted all over social media and every time you pick up your phone and check your Facebook page another person you know has funded their whatever through Kickstarter, and though you don't want to begrudge their success you can't help but think, "This is what people are paying for?  Really?  This?"

Is this the American dream?

Maybe.  It just might be.

I guess really what it comes down to is this: all of my peers that I've been privileged to know through all of their hard work and studying and networking and highs and lows, they deserve their success, whether or not they receive a crowdsourcing grant.  Beyond all belief, I might deserve mine too.  And, so I say this:

Draw your comics.

Run Robie Creek.

Climb rocks in Thailand.

Make your incredible music.

Go to grad school.

Burn your rejections letters and keep writing.

Paint beautiful things on skateboard decks.

Do whatever it is you need to do to feel the most satisfied you can with your life.  Accept the challenge.  You don't feel worthy because it's intimidating and hard and you're out of your league.  Don't worry though, it won't always feel like that, and before you know it you'll be bored and looking for the next great step.

Sincerely,
h.